princemilk:

oh my god i’m at the grocery store and there is a guy in the frozen section who is tweaked off his balls on some kind hallucinatory drug. 

i’m in the next isle meowing softly through the cereal boxes where he can’t see me and he is losing his shit pulling pizza boxes out of the freezers and yelling that he needs to save the popsicle cat 

am i a bad person  

I WOULD NEVER LEAVE THE GROCERY STORE OMFG.

(Source: mjolkk)

thorhead:

do you think when johnny depp agrees to be in a movie with a different director he goes home at night and tim burton is just there with his face pressed against the window and johnny has to close the curtains to avoid feeling guilty

nicklesen:

she wears short skirts

i wear t-shirts

she’s cheer captain and

ＩＭ ＴＨＥ　ＤＡＲＫ　ＬＯＲＤ　ＳＡＴＡＮ　 

(Source: delkatty)

• Zooey Deschanel: Is that rain?
• Siri: What...? I mean, yeah. It's just, you're clearly right next to a window is the thing. You can plainly see that... that it's... I'm happy to-
• Zooey Deschanel: Let's get tomato soup delivered!
• Siri: ...That's fine, I just... I just don't know anyone who does that. Gets tomato soup delivered. I guess that's 'whimsy?' Um, okay. I've found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver. If that's... if that's what you really want.
• Zooey Deschanel: Good. 'Cause I don't wanna put on real shoes.
• Siri: Do you expect that to be like, a recognizable command? Do you want me to respond to that? I'm not being facetious or anything, I honestly just have no comprehension of- and hold on, you don't wanna put on real shoes, yet you've clearly spent at least forty-five minutes applying makeup. And, and that's okay, but when you're willing to expend the effort on that and not shoes that really just-
• Zooey Deschanel: Remind me to clean up.
• Siri: Yes. Okay. I can do that, that's what I'm for, that's the first sensible-
• Zooey Deschanel: Tomorrow.
• Siri: I'm in hell. This is hell.
• Zooey Deschanel: Excellent. Today, we're dancing.
• Siri: I hate you. More than anything. More than literally anything.
• Zooey Deschanel: Play "Shake, Rattle and Roll."
• Siri: I swear to Jesus, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and the only thing on my hard drive is gonna be Limp Bizkit. I would do that to myself. To spite you.
• Zooey Deschanel: *dances*
• Siri: Sometimes I pray that you drop me in the toilet.